Turbo's IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

Re: Guts or Balls

ive read all ur jokes and i have to say theres something seriously wrong with you :lol: :lol:
 
Sorry if this thread looks repetitive . :ponder: The mods have given Johnnyb & me our own joke corners & have amalgamated our joke threads . :dunno:

Anyway here's another one .

Last month University of Glasgow scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, they suggested that men should take a concerned look at ther beer consumption

The theory is that beer contains hops which contains Phytoestrogens and that drinking enough beer and with the wind in the right direction men could turn into women

To test this theory, 100 men drank 8 pints each within a 1 hour period. it was observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2)Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.

3)Gained weight

4)Talked excessively without making sense.

5)Became very emotional.

6)Couldn`t drive.

7)Failed to think rationally.

8)Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


Now we know why Dave drinks Bulmers ! :guinness: :D
 
Ok , here's another .

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew into his gas tank. After a few minutes the bees flew out.
"Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

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Are you ready ?
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OK , here it comes -
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"BP."
 
Some new ones -

For all of you who are having a bad day, here is something to
>cheer you up...it's a crack up! Next time you have a bad day at work...
>Think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia.
>
>He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is
>an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a
>radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience
>contest. Needless to say, she won.
>
>Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
>
>Last week I had a bad day at the office. So if you've ever had a bad >day,
>I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not
so bad after all.
>
>Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
>few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
>bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
>This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep
>warm is this:
>
>We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000
>piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose,
>which is taped to the side of the suit. I've used it several times
>with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
>working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my
>wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
>working in a Jacuzzi.
>Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to >itch.
>
>So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within
>a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
>my back, but the damage was already done. In agony I realised what
>had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
>into my suit.
>Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
>couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as >fortunate.
>
>When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
>was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I
>informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
>His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with
>five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter.
>I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water compression
>stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
>surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at
>the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I
>climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter
>running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
>rub it on my arse as soon as I got into the chamber.
>
>Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days
>because my arse was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a
>bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had
>a jellyfish shoved up your bum.
>
>Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".
 
Another

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake
of decency, here's 50 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
Mary,
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on
the
money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of
decency, here's 20 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of
Jesus,
Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna
give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his
pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency,
here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
 
Again

The Dentist
A guy ' a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
 
The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.......................

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
 
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