Turbo's IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

Two Kerrymen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.


The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000
foot drop and says,
Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



THERE'S MORE...



Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he
hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head
and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



IT IS NOT OVER YET...


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he
hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting...

and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
 
Joke Thread 2

A few new ones -

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied,

'The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three male Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black
were sitting In the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
conversation.
The black Lab turned to th e chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's
bed."
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts
off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me
down."
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"



The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners
couch.
"So what are they going to do to you?" t he black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of
the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help
myself.

I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off
for you too, huh?"

"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> A bloke decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as

> different emotions eg fear etc. On the night of the party, the first

> guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a bloke covered in

> green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

>

> He says to the bloke, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come

as?"

> And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant,

> come on in and have a drink.

>

> "A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the

> door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa



> wrapped around her most intimate parts.

>

> He says to this woman Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come

as?"

> She

> replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and



> join the party."

>

> A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, the

> host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy,

> standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the

> other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and

> says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You could get arrested

> standing out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is

> this supposed to be?!?!"

>

> Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Murphy here has just

> come in dispair.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Biker


A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish. The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride over anytime I want."


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that could possibly help mankind."





The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a Woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
What Sex is Your PC ?

A SPANISH Teacher
was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

"House"
for instance,
is feminine:
"la casa."

"Pencil,"
however,
is masculine:
"el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
"computer"
should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
"computer"
should definitely be
of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group,
however, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
because:
1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.
 
Licence's Important Info

Hey Everyone,

Did you guys know that this was happening?

Drivers Licence And Privacy Act

Check your driver's licence information on-line. Now you can see anyone's
drivers licence on the internet, including your own! It asks for U.S.
info, but unfortunately it works for Canadian, English, Australian and New
Zealand licences as well. I just searched for mine putting in Australia as
the city and there it was, picture and all.

This is really scary. I removed mine. I suggest you all do the same.

Go to the website and check it out. Just enter your name and city, leave
out 'Select a State' and see if yours is on file. After your licence comes
on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".

http://www.license.shorturl.com/
 
Re: Licence's Important Info

turbo,if you hadnt have put in the "you muppet" section i might have believe it for a second,good all the same.ha ha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top