30-04-2007, 01:48
>Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
>company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
>and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the

>poor creature?"
>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; wec annot have services for an

>animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
>there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll dos omething for
>the creature."
>Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think .5,000 is enough

>to donate to them for the service?"
>Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
>tell me the dog was Catholic?
>A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
>"I almost had an affair witha nother woman."
>The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
>then I stopped."
>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're

>not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and

>put .50 in the poor box."
>The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

>The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
>that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>TheI rishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the .50 on the box, and
>according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
>entering thec onfessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
>The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love

>to me seven times."
>The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
>into a glass and then drink the juice."
>The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
>A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife
>was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
>Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
>before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes
>fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
>The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
>She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

30-04-2007, 02:25
* **Bill Gates on Computers vs. GM !! * **
> * *
> > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
> computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> >
> > At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
> with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
> $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
> >
> > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
> stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
> driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
> part):
> >
> > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
> > Twice a day.
> >
> > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> buy a new car.
> >
> > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
> shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
> continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> >
> > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> have to reinstall the engine.
> >
> > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
> on only five percent of the roads.
> >
> > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
> be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> warning light.
> >
> > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> >
> > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
> and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> >
> > 9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn
> how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
> in the same manner as the old car.
> >
> > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> >

30-04-2007, 11:56
Classic !!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :computer:

30-04-2007, 11:57
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

trevor m
01-05-2007, 22:01
:lol: :lol:

trevor m
01-05-2007, 22:04
there class turbo :lol: :lol:

01-05-2007, 22:23
OMG sooo good! :D :D :D :D

02-05-2007, 00:30
:lol: :lol:

05-05-2007, 04:12
Loving this.....

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in ASDA and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

05-05-2007, 11:56
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Absolute class !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


black g wagon
05-05-2007, 12:42
:lol: :lol: :lol:
:clap: :clap:
good one!

05-05-2007, 13:28
lololololol true story i hope :D

Mick Spec C
05-05-2007, 13:56
"I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me."

Classic¬* :D

05-05-2007, 18:06
class ....

05-05-2007, 20:53
thats funniest thing i've heard in months........ :lol: :lol: :lol:

trevor m
05-05-2007, 20:54
fair play thats brilliant :clap: :clap:

six spoke clive
06-05-2007, 01:12
excellent :lol: :lol: :lol:

thats so funny


12-05-2007, 03:32

GUTS.........is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS.........is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: " You're next".

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

12-05-2007, 03:35
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to

see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees

me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put

on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on

the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 03:37
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

your a header.

thats 2 good ones ya have now :thumbsup:

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 03:39
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

where do ya get them :thumbsup:

12-05-2007, 03:56
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

12-05-2007, 04:01
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says,

"You stay out of this, Mister!
I'm talking to that little fecker on your knee!"

12-05-2007, 04:02
what have illegal immigrants and sperm got in common??

they arrive in their millions but only one of them works. :lol:

12-05-2007, 04:04
Two women on the way home from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss.one wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath.
The two husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says....
`I'd better watch my wife,she came home last night with no knickers on`
The other man says.....
`Thats f**k all,mine came home with a card wedged up her arse saying 'We`ll never forget you,from all the boys at the fire station'.


12-05-2007, 04:07
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I
saw that.

You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

__________________________________________________ __________

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your

:pray: :lol:

12-05-2007, 04:09
A Chinese man phones his boss at work and says " Me no come in today ,me sick"boss says "When I'm ill I go home and make love to the wife, try that" 2 hours later the Chinaman phones up and says "Me better now boss,you have nice house.

12-05-2007, 04:15
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under
Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
on opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!

Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says:

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

:shock: I'll get my coat ! :headbanger:

12-05-2007, 04:29
Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the goddam cat!'

Mick Spec C
12-05-2007, 07:14
:lol: :lol: :lol:

12-05-2007, 11:13
very funny :lol:

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 11:37
good but ya will never beat the dog one :thumbsup:

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 11:40
:wall: :wall:

funny as

:lol: :lol:

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 11:41

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 11:43
wipe that smile off your face


six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 11:44

six spoke clive
12-05-2007, 11:46

12-05-2007, 11:56
Very good!! :lol: :lol: :D

12-05-2007, 16:45
o yeah......................... :dance: :lol: :lol:

12-05-2007, 16:47
classic :lol:

12-05-2007, 16:49
very good :thumbsup: :lol:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:14
fair play turbo thats class :lol:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:17
:lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:21
:shock: :thumbsup: :lol:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:22
nice one turbo :lol: :lol:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:25
:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:29
i love it :thumbsup:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:31
brill :clap:

trevor m
12-05-2007, 21:34
ive read all ur jokes and i have to say theres something seriously wrong with you :lol: :lol:

14-05-2007, 08:42
Ha ha ha.... Very good....!!!

14-05-2007, 10:46
:lol: :lol: :lol: :D

14-05-2007, 10:51
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D

17-05-2007, 02:46
Sorry if this thread looks repetitive . :ponder: The mods have given Johnnyb & me our own joke corners & have amalgamated our joke threads . :dunno:

Anyway here's another one .

Last month University of Glasgow scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, they suggested that men should take a concerned look at ther beer consumption

The theory is that beer contains hops which contains Phytoestrogens and that drinking enough beer and with the wind in the right direction men could turn into women

To test this theory, 100 men drank 8 pints each within a 1 hour period. it was observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2)Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.

3)Gained weight

4)Talked excessively without making sense.

5)Became very emotional.

6)Couldn`t drive.

7)Failed to think rationally.

8)Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Now we know why Dave drinks Bulmers ! :guinness: :D

17-05-2007, 02:53
Ok , here's another .

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew into his gas tank. After a few minutes the bees flew out.
"Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

Wait for it !
Are you ready ?
OK , here it comes -


six spoke clive
20-05-2007, 12:06

come on turbo

thats brutal


21-05-2007, 02:30
Some new ones -

For all of you who are having a bad day, here is something to
>cheer you up...it's a crack up! Next time you have a bad day at work...
>Think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia.
>He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is
>an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a
>radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience
>contest. Needless to say, she won.
>Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
>Last week I had a bad day at the office. So if you've ever had a bad >day,
>I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not
so bad after all.
>Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
>few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
>bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
>This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep
>warm is this:
>We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000
>piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose,
>which is taped to the side of the suit. I've used it several times
>with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
>working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my
>wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
>working in a Jacuzzi.
>Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to >itch.
>So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within
>a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
>my back, but the damage was already done. In agony I realised what
>had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
>into my suit.
>Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
>couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as >fortunate.
>When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
>was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I
>informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
>His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with
>five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter.
>I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water compression
>stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
>surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at
>the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I
>climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter
>running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
>rub it on my arse as soon as I got into the chamber.
>Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days
>because my arse was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a
>bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had
>a jellyfish shoved up your bum.
>Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

21-05-2007, 02:33

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
of decency, here's 50 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on
money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
decency, here's 20 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of
Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna
give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his
pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency,
here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

21-05-2007, 02:34

The Dentist
A guy ' a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

21-05-2007, 02:39
The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.......................

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

21-05-2007, 11:38

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

brilliant :dance:

22-05-2007, 19:30
Two Kerrymen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000
foot drop and says,
Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he
hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head
and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he
hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting...

and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Mick Spec C
22-05-2007, 20:56
:lol:¬* :D¬* ¬*:lol:

23-05-2007, 10:51
:dance: :lol: :lol:

22-06-2007, 19:07
A few new ones -

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of *** that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied,

'The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.


Three male Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black
were sitting In the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
The black Lab turned to th e chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts
off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners
"So what are they going to do to you?" t he black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of
the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help

I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off
for you too, huh?"

"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


> A bloke decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as

> different emotions eg fear etc. On the night of the party, the first

> guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a bloke covered in

> green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.


> He says to the bloke, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come


> And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant,

> come on in and have a drink.


> "A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the

> door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

> wrapped around her most intimate parts.


> He says to this woman Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come


> She

> replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and

> join the party."


> A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, the

> host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy,

> standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the

> other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and

> says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You could get arrested

> standing out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is

> this supposed to be?!?!"


> Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Murphy here has just

> come in dispair.


The Biker

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish. The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

22-06-2007, 19:08
was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

for instance,
is feminine:
"la casa."

is masculine:
"el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
should definitely be
of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.


The women's group,
however, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.

22-06-2007, 19:09
Hey Everyone,

Did you guys know that this was happening?

Drivers Licence And Privacy Act

Check your driver's licence information on-line. Now you can see anyone's
drivers licence on the internet, including your own! It asks for U.S.
info, but unfortunately it works for Canadian, English, Australian and New
Zealand licences as well. I just searched for mine putting in Australia as
the city and there it was, picture and all.

This is really scary. I removed mine. I suggest you all do the same.

Go to the website and check it out. Just enter your name and city, leave
out 'Select a State' and see if yours is on file. After your licence comes
on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".


22-06-2007, 19:16
turbo,if you hadnt have put in the "you muppet" section i might have believe it for a second,good all the same.ha ha

22-06-2007, 19:17
haha true stuff :clap:

22-06-2007, 19:19
i dont live in Sasquatch way!