The Joke Thread - good (reasonably) clean jokes!
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wagon dec
Member Number 257
A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You are free to go.”
The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You are free to go.”
[quote author=WAGON DEC link=topic=33858.msg388195#msg388195 date=1332969702]
whats the difference between an bmw driver and a hedgehog
with a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside
[/quote]
sry dec have to comment bout this am i not correct in thinking you were quite attached to a small car made by bmw for a while recently !!!
whats the difference between an bmw driver and a hedgehog
with a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside
[/quote]
sry dec have to comment bout this am i not correct in thinking you were quite attached to a small car made by bmw for a while recently !!!
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "fu*k YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fu*k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "fu*k YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fu*k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
scooby.grrr
Sunday Drivers
a man and his son were talking about sex.
the son asked his father, ''dad, what does a pussy look like?
the dad asked him, ''before or after sex?''
ummmmmm, before sex'', the kid replied.
the dad said, ''have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?''
''yeah said the son.
''well, what about after sex?'' said the son
his dad replied, ''have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise''!!!!
the son asked his father, ''dad, what does a pussy look like?
the dad asked him, ''before or after sex?''
ummmmmm, before sex'', the kid replied.
the dad said, ''have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?''
''yeah said the son.
''well, what about after sex?'' said the son
his dad replied, ''have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise''!!!!
wagon dec
Member Number 257
[quote author=medic1 link=topic=33858.msg388227#msg388227 date=1332976216]
[quote author=WAGON DEC link=topic=33858.msg388195#msg388195 date=1332969702]
whats the difference between an bmw driver and a hedgehog
with a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside
[/quote]
sry dec have to comment bout this am i not correct in thinking you were quite attached to a small car made by bmw for a while recently !!!
[/quote]
My point exactly what did I look like in it
[quote author=WAGON DEC link=topic=33858.msg388195#msg388195 date=1332969702]
whats the difference between an bmw driver and a hedgehog
with a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside
[/quote]
sry dec have to comment bout this am i not correct in thinking you were quite attached to a small car made by bmw for a while recently !!!
[/quote]
My point exactly what did I look like in it
Theres this guy, we'll call him bob, and he has a horse that he cant make laugh. No matter what he does the horse just has a serious look on his face all the time. In Bob's home town theres a carnival that comes around every year. He decides he'll set up a tent to see who can make him laugh. To make sure people take this serious he puts up $500 to the person that makes his horse laugh. So the carnival is here and Bob has his tent set up and people see the sign of the $500 prize and start flocking in to try to make the horse laugh. Many people try and cant make the damn horse laugh! So Bob loses all hope and starts to close his tent, and as he is about to close the tent in walks in this man. Says to Bob in a ****y way " hey i can make your horse laugh. Just let me take him for a walk around that bush down there." Bob aggrees. The man takes the horse for a walk stops behind the bush for about 10 seconds and starts walking back towards the tent and to Bobs surprise the horse is laughing its ass off! the loudest screams of laughter just start comming out of the horse!! Bob is impressed and gives the guy the $500.
As the year goes by, Bob gets tired of his horses laughing! Ever since that carnival the horse would not stop laughing!! the only time he would stop was when he would eat or drink something. So its about that time for that annual carnival in Bobs town. This time he is going to set up a tent to see who can make his horse STOP laughing with the same $500 prize. so its that time and people start comming in and cant make him stop laughing and Bob starts losing all hope again and starts to close his tent down. As he is about to close the tent here comes this guy and says "I can make your horse stop laughing! Just let me take him around that bush." Bob aggrees and the guy takes him around the bush and stops for about a minute. As the man and the horse start walking back, Bob sees the most pissed off face on his horse he had ever seen!! Real pissed! Breathing hard and everthing! If looks could kill type of face! Bob is shocked and gives the man the $500 prize. As the man walks away Bob says," hey wait weren't you that guy that made him laugh?" the guy replies "yup".. Bob "well how'd you make him laugh?!?!" and the guy says, " well i told him that my **** was bigger than his" Bob says "ooooh i see, well how'd you make him stop?".... the guy says "i showed him my ****"
As the year goes by, Bob gets tired of his horses laughing! Ever since that carnival the horse would not stop laughing!! the only time he would stop was when he would eat or drink something. So its about that time for that annual carnival in Bobs town. This time he is going to set up a tent to see who can make his horse STOP laughing with the same $500 prize. so its that time and people start comming in and cant make him stop laughing and Bob starts losing all hope again and starts to close his tent down. As he is about to close the tent here comes this guy and says "I can make your horse stop laughing! Just let me take him around that bush." Bob aggrees and the guy takes him around the bush and stops for about a minute. As the man and the horse start walking back, Bob sees the most pissed off face on his horse he had ever seen!! Real pissed! Breathing hard and everthing! If looks could kill type of face! Bob is shocked and gives the man the $500 prize. As the man walks away Bob says," hey wait weren't you that guy that made him laugh?" the guy replies "yup".. Bob "well how'd you make him laugh?!?!" and the guy says, " well i told him that my **** was bigger than his" Bob says "ooooh i see, well how'd you make him stop?".... the guy says "i showed him my ****"
scoobymick
Octane Boostaholics
Hubby says I fancy kinky sex can I cum in your ear ?
Wife says no I might go deaf !!!
Hubby says I've been cumin in your mouth for 20 years & your still fooking talking.
Wife says no I might go deaf !!!
Hubby says I've been cumin in your mouth for 20 years & your still fooking talking.
What do Tiger Woods and baby Seals have in common ??????
They both get clubbed by Norwegians
They both get clubbed by Norwegians
Paddy and the Taxman
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own
eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my
othereye.'
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy
removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you
six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and p*ss into
that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in
here and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own
eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my
othereye.'
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy
removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you
six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and p*ss into
that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in
here and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'
bandit 555
Sunday Drivers
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.She was wearing a loose
fitting, pink dress, Sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual
jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed
in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla
went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2
feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.The husband,
noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his
wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling
her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that
she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.She did... And
the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut."Now... tell him
you have a headache."
fitting, pink dress, Sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual
jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed
in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla
went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2
feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.The husband,
noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his
wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling
her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that
she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.She did... And
the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut."Now... tell him
you have a headache."
Holly resurrection:
I knew a gynaecologist who decorated his hallway and stairs through the letterbox
My wife says I?ve got two faults. 1, I never listen to her, and something else she was rattling on about!
Went to the Pub yesterday dressed as a tennis ball. Got served straight away.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite, I was so outraged.
I packed her things and left.
I was offered the job at the circumcision clinic today. Pay is ?40,000 plus tips.
My obese parrot just died. It?s a huge weight off my shoulders.
I knew a gynaecologist who decorated his hallway and stairs through the letterbox
My wife says I?ve got two faults. 1, I never listen to her, and something else she was rattling on about!
Went to the Pub yesterday dressed as a tennis ball. Got served straight away.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite, I was so outraged.
I packed her things and left.
I was offered the job at the circumcision clinic today. Pay is ?40,000 plus tips.
My obese parrot just died. It?s a huge weight off my shoulders.
