Johnny B's COLLECTION OF FUNNIES

Re: A55ICONS

o yeah.... :lol: and a hard drive full of crap that I've been collectiing :headbanger:
 
Collection of funnies

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful
woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous
she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work
for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him, "What the f**k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!!!
 
Collection of funnies

Your're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nun's crack

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

I left her with a face like a painters radio

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle.

She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of
her fanny
 
Re: Podge and Rodge Quotes of 2007

yep by me!!
the second last one was my signature for a while - absolute classic!
 
Re: Podge and Rodge Quotes of 2007

classic, the boys are brilliant!
 
Collection of funnies

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my t*ts. I can splash it on my face"
 
Pats Last Day on the Job

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way,

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky,

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full breakfast:bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.As she was pouring, he noticed a £5note sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde,
"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and
that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".

He said "F**k him !!, Give him a fiver".

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea".
 
Knickknack

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consu lt with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
 
(you're gonna love this)
 
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
 
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone." :roll: :lol:
 
Collection of funnies

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said.. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!

Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think
I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
 
Re: Collection of funnies

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



I Liked this........... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:
 
Re: Knickknack

:hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang: :hang:
 
Re: Podge and Rodge Quotes of 2007

Plus Podge and rodge chat-up-line, they work, honest...

1.DO YOU SLEEP ON YER STOMACH.... CAN I...?

2.DO YA WANT TO SEE SOMETHING SWELL...?

3.HEY BABY, WHY DON'T YOU SIT ON MY LAP AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE 1ST THING THAT POPS UP...

4.HEY BABY, CAN I TICKLE YER BELLYBUTTON FROM THE INSIDE?

5.LETS PLAY ARMY... I'LL LIE DOWN AND YOU BLOW ME UP...

6.HOW ABOUT YOU SIT ON MY LAP AND WE'LL STRAIGHTEN SOMETHING OUT...?

7.I LOVE EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY... ESPECIALLY MINE!!!

8.AM NO FRED FLINTSTONE... BUT I CAN SURE MAKE YER BED ROCK...

9.I WANT TO KISS YOU PASSIONATELY ON THE LIPS..AND THEN MOVE UP TO YER
BELLY BUTTON!!!!!!!

10.IS THAT A KEG IN YER DRESS... CAUSE I'D LOVE TO TAP THAT ARSE!!!!!!

11.I'VE GOT THE HOT DOG AND YOU'VE GOT THE BUNS!!!!!

12.I'VE JUST GOTTEN GOVERNMENT FUNDING FOR A 4 HOUR EXPEDITION TO YER G-SPOT!!!!!

13.WHATS A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU DOIN IN A PERVERTS MIND LIKE MINE?

14.WHY DON'T WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND DO ALL THE THINGS AM GOIN TO TELL ME MATES WE DONE ANYWAY!!!!

15.MY FACE IS LEAVING IN 15 MINUTES.....BE ON IT!!!!

16.NICE LEGS....WHAT TIME DO THEY OPEN?

17.SCREW ME IF AM WRONG... BUT IS YOUR NAME FHTGRYEU?

18.THE WORD OF THE DAY IS "LEGS"...LETS GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND SPREAD
THE WORD!!!!!!

19.YOU'VE GOT 206 BONES IN YER BODY... ONE MORE WON'T HURT!!!

20.YOU WITH THOSE CURVES... AND ME WITH NO BRAKES!!!!
 
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