Drunk Again

T

Turbo

Guest
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking

Buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.



He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their

Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by

Grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his

Rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing

Especially painful.



Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in

The hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He

Managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a

Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.



He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his

Way to bed.



In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt

And Mary staring at him from across the room.



She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"



Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"



"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken

Glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing

Through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all

Those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
Another one .

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.



"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. It's not safe," the doctor replied.



"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."



"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects." On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.



The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."
 
One more .

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
 
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