Turbo's IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

T

Turbo

Guest
>Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
>company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
>and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the

>poor creature?"
>
>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; wec annot have services for an

>animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
>there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll dos omething for
>the creature."
>
>Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think .5,000 is enough

>to donate to them for the service?"
>
>Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
>tell me the dog was Catholic?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
>"I almost had an affair witha nother woman."
>The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
>then I stopped."
>
>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're

>not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and

>put .50 in the poor box."
>
>The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

>The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
>that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>
>TheI rishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the .50 on the box, and
>according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
>entering thec onfessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
>sinned."
>The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love

>to me seven times."
>The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
>into a glass and then drink the juice."
>The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife
>was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
>beautiful."
>Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
>before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes
>fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
>The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
>"cute."
>She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
>
 
IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

* **Bill Gates on Computers vs. GM !! * **
> * *
> > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
> computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> >
> > At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
> with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
> $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
> >
> > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
> stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
> driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
> part):
> >
> > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
> > Twice a day.
> >
> > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> buy a new car.
> >
> > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
> shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
> continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> >
> > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> have to reinstall the engine.
> >
> > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
> on only five percent of the roads.
> >
> > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
> be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> warning light.
> >
> > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> >
> > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
> and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> >
> > 9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn
> how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
> in the same manner as the old car.
> >
> > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> >
 
Re: Bill Gates on Computers vs. Cars

Classic !!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :computer:
 
Re: Classic Irish Humour

Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

Loving this.....

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in ASDA and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
 
Re: IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Absolute class !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Niall.
 
Re: IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

lololololol true story i hope :D
 
Re: IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

"I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me."

Classic  :D
 
Re: IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

:lol:
class ....
 
Re: IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

thats funniest thing i've heard in months........ :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Re: IF THIS DONT MAKE YOU LAUGH - NOTHING WILL!!!

excellent :lol: :lol: :lol:

thats so funny

:thumbsup:
 
Guts or Balls

WE HAVE ALL HEARD ABOUT PEOPLE HAVING GUTS OR BALLS. BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM? IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP YOU INFORMED, THE DEFINITION FOR EACH IS LISTED BELOW......

GUTS.........is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS.........is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: " You're next".

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
 
The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to

see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees

me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put

on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on

the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"
 
Re: The Love Dress

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

your a header.

thats 2 good ones ya have now :thumbsup:
 
Back
Top